Wednesday, November 16, 2011

21 Weeks and Limbo

Just for the record, I was able to be quite zen about the echoflouresence of the bowl they saw in the ultrasound for almost 4 days.  That is pretty much a record for me on needing to know the facts and doing research.  The googling was a very bad idea.  I've since cut myself off.  Really, what did I expect to find?  Rainbows and butterflies?  There's a whole lot of info out there about what it could mean -- everything from maybe nothing, to bowl obstructions that require surgery to Downs syndrome to Trisomy 18 and other non-life compatible issues.  WOW.  Just what I didn't need -- something to obsess about and get all twisted up with hormones and the lovely mood swings that come with being preggers.  I've talked myself off the ledge, mostly, but still have intense moments where I get overwhelmed that this baby we wanted so much and wished/prayed/worked so hard for might end up not surviving.

On one hand I think it's beaten the odds several times already -- made it to a viable embryo, survived thawing, implanted, grew when it looked like it wouldn't and so on -- so it's made of hardy stuff.  On the other hand I think about how much more crushing it will be to discover extreme issues this late in the game.  How would I survive a loss now?  I guess I would, that's what you do, find ways to grieve, deal with loss and continue to live, but it is almost unthinkable.

I've tried to talk to Tim about it, but he just doesn't process things the same way I do and we end up at cross-purposes.  He's not logical about things like this -- preferring to say things like "I'm sure they made a mistake and it wasn't really there."  That makes absolutely no sense to me to look at it that way, and it feels like he's dismissing my logical thought progression, causing my head to explode.  I think he feels I keep pushing the bad stuff on him and he doesn't want to take it on, even when I'm just trying to talk it out. . . so in the end we just can't talk about the what-ifs yet.  I have come to realize that things need to be much more concrete for him before he'll start to work through the problem.  For example, with Stella's pregnancy he didn't even want to talk about names until we knew the sex of the child.  He finally realized he had to when she was not cooperative and we were getting into the 3rd trimester without knowing if she was a boy or a girl.  Until he realized the baby was coming in a few weeks he refused to do much with the lists I had started.

Follow up ultrasound on the 21st -- to have another practice do the test and have new eyes on it.  I'm preparing myself for the fact that we're not likely to have resolution with this one.  The most probable outcome is that we'll see some of it or (God forbid) other soft markers of issues and need to discuss next steps with the doctors.  The only way to know for sure if there is anything out of the ordinary is amnio.  We're not ready to go there yet due to the risks, but there may be a case where it makes sense to do later when the risks are lower.

We're in the middle of the pregnancy with neither the intensity of beginning or ending.  There is the sense of not knowing and foreboding that creeps in when I don't keep pushing it away and the feeling that it will take forever to get to the end of the pregnancy.  The time has changed and the days are getting darker and shorter.  We all have colds and feel crappy, including Stella.  Ugggg, all of this contributes to the sense of being in suspended animation.  I'm praying a lot and trying to take better care of myself to get through the hump -- not sure what will work exactly, but I'll keep trying!  

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