Unfortunately, We've been here before

And I can assure you it wasn’t a whole lot of fun.  At the doctor’s office on Thursday we saw only a small yolk sac.  No fetal pole and no heart beat.  The fetus should have been much further on in development by now.  With Stella we had a heart beat and everything looked just as it needed to.  With the other two pregnancies before her we had variations on this same theme of underdevelopment.   I had been spotting off and on for a few days, so we were preparing ourselves to hear not so great news.  It’s always tough, however, to have your fears confirmed.  Oddly, the doctor didn’t think the spotting was completely related to the lack of development, he thought it was likely related to irritation from the vaginal progesterone I’m taking.  

To add insult to injury, I still have a lot of pain and discomfort from my enlarged ovaries.  I can tell you exactly where my uterus is because I can feel it.  It turns out one of my distended ovaries has flopped over and is lying on top of the uterus, pushing down on it.  Lovely.   My abdomen is also filling up with fluid again.  Not nearly as bad as before, but my belly looks like a bowl full of jelly!  So I’m not really pregnant and I look fat -- just how I want to celebrate my upcoming 40^th birthday.  I haven’t been able to exercise in the past two months and have lost so much fitness.  I was prepared to sacrifice my thinner, fitter body for a pregnancy, but it seems I sacrificed it only for a chance at one -- a chance that didn’t pan out.  I'm really not looking forward to the months of coming down off the hormones and trying to get my energy and fitness back.  Not to mention my figure.  From experience, it will take a while before I feel good again.

We have a follow up ultrasound at the Grand Rapids office on Wednesday, the day before we head out for vacation.  It’s mostly to do the final confirmation and to discuss how to handle the miscarriage while we are in Maine.  It sounds like if I continue to take the progesterone for a few days I can put off the worst discomfort until after our 3 day costal kayaking trip.   I know there is not one darn thing I could do to change this outcome, and I’m still in a serious funk about it.  I’m so grateful we have a vacation coming up very soon.  Tim and I will do some recharging, reconnecting and be able to discuss what we want to do next, if anything.  

We do have some very fun things planned for our trip, so we’re focusing on getting ready to get away.  So much to prepare for Katie and Mom so they can enjoy time with Stella – support from our local teen baby sitters, maps and directions of how to get places to do fun stuff, trying to set up play dates with friends so Stella has kids to play with and packing for ourselves.  And, I can’t forget lining up someone to mow the lawn while we’re gone.  At least Bea will stay home as Katie and Mom are glad to have her around.   We also convinced ourselves that we better buy a iPad and get it set up for a data plan.  How else will we be able to Skype with Stella while we’re gone?  We do need to get away, but I’m going to miss that little girl like crazy!